What Daddy Did

It was June 25th, a sunny Wednesday morning the day that I found out that Martin had been having an affair. I had just worked a night shift, but after the revelations of that morning I had no intention of catching up on my sleep. I had to work through the anger, the hurt and the harsh blow of betrayal, I had to push it to one side and figure out what an earth I was going to do with myself, with my two children.

With support from incredible friends and an amazing family, we found a little house to move in to. we were relocating. not a million miles away, but far enough away to make a clean start. Closer to family, who would be with us every step of the way.

I didn't know that the last night in our familiar family home, surrounded by boxes of our belongings, was in fact the last time I would ever see Martin. I have spent the last four years wondering what I could have changed about that evening, what I could have said had I known what would happen afterwards. could I have changed things? Could I have said something that could have changed his mind? He had come round to the house to see his two younger children, I cooked them a meal to have together. I let him put the girls to bed, for what would be the very last time. His eldest daughter called round, she wanted her scooter. As she scooted away I felt my heart break. I knew I'd still see Martin's two older daughters, but I wouldn't see them as often as I wanted to, I was leaving them behind and it hurt in a way I can't describe. She scooted away without turning around and I crumbled, standing there at the window watching her leave. Martin saw me, he awkwardly placed his arms around my shoulder, I shrugged him away. He said 'I am so sorry'. I ignored him. He said 'I'd better go' and I ignored him again. Those were his last ever words to me. And I ignored them.

Five gloriously sunny warm days passed. I had heard from Martin a couple of times via text messages after we left our old life behind, but he'd gone quiet. At the time I was quite pleased, he was obviously giving us space, giving me time, time to adjust and find our feet. Giving me time to settle into our new surroundings. Giving me time as a single mum. But actually this wasn't the case. What my children's daddy did, was commit suicide. After we had left our old life behind, he had left his life behind altogether.


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