An anxious day

I feel anxious. Anxiety is a lonely place. I feel very alone on days like this. I’m not entirely sure why today has turned into a dark day. I slept well last night and I don’t remember having bad dreams, where as the night before I spent the night on the hard floor of the younger two’s bedroom with an unsettled toddler, eventually falling asleep only to then have a nightmare. I had walked into a river with some of my family, it was dark and the water was cold. I tried to walk next to them but I was swept away by the current.

 But that wasn’t last night, so why the anxiety today? I woke ok after a good sleep, I felt alright this morning. Unlike my usual anxious days, this darkness has slowly crept in as the day has gone on. 

I met the middle one from school, standing in the blazing sun she ran to me full of smiles. The first words spoken were to tell me she had a friend who’s dad is dead and died in a river. What?! Now I know this isn’t true, but it concerns me that she’s talking about her own dad for another child to say that to her. I felt the blow of those words. Felt it in the pit of my stomach. She then unzipped her school bag and with a beaming proud smile showed me a picture she had drawn. It said the word ‘Dad’ in the sky. There was lots of crazy stuff drawn on the picture, I’m not entirely clear what it all was, but there was a ghost and there was a gravestone with the words ‘R.I.P. Martha’ written on it. Another blow. 

I’m not sure where my anxiety stems from today, but I’ve a strong feeling it’s Martha related. I think I need to get her some help. I hate that I need to get her some help. I really really hate it. I want to be a mum who can cope, who can support my children through their grief. I don’t want to have to ask anybody for help when it comes to my children. I want to be enough. And yep, that’s probably a really selfish attitude to take because if I’m totally honest, it’s all down to me not wanting to fail. The only thing that really matters to me is that my children think that I’m a good mum. Honestly, it’s ranks in 1st place in what I want from life. I don’t ever want them as adults to look back and think that I failed them. It scares me. It scares me to think of them sat with a counsellor discussing all of the bad decisions I made and how it impacted on their life. I can’t think of anything worse.

I really just want to be enough.


So what do I do now, how do I tackle the issue of Martha clearly working through her own grief? I’m not sure how to play it, which I guess is why today I feel anxious and I feel alone.

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