The will to live

On my Instagram page for this blog I follow many grief bloggers and grief pages. I like looking through the posts from others, it’s comforting. Yesterday I stumbled across a question posted by somebody on Instagram. 

What has grief given you? Because of grief what is the superpower you carry around with you?

I thought about it, what have I gained from Martin’s suicide. Bizarrely, I think there is quite a lot I could answer that with. But, the first thing I thought was this; 

Suicide grief has given me an unshakable will to live. 

And it’s true, it has. As I’ve mentioned before, I have been at the bottom, I have thought about ending the pain. But they were thoughts, thoughts that always left my head as quickly as they’d arrived. Just thoughts, there was never a real desire to carry any of those thoughts through. I would never have described myself as suicidal. Desperate and lost, but never suicidal. I would never choose to end my life. The thoughts I have had, they felt real in the moment, but I know that they weren’t ever genuine. I might have felt like I wanted to die, but that is nothing like the real want to commit suicide. I would never have been even close to that.

I guess the biggest reason for knowing that I would never end my own life is simply because I know the pain it would cause others. I would never do that to those I love. Never.

An unshakable will to live. To live, not just to survive. 

I am at the end of a week that has been full of anxiety, it has been horrible. Horrible for me and horrible for those close to me. Anxious days, nightmares, exhaustion, emotional moments, they will always happen. I accept that, but I also accept that I am the one who can control how I respond to those times. And that needs a bit of work.

This week I have succumbed to the depression. I’ve not brushed my hair and stuck a beanie hat on. I’ve plonked my youngest daughter in front of a screen and taken myself off to a different room to lie down, to cry. I’ve snapped at the children whilst getting them ready for school and watched the middle one crumble at my ‘shouty’ voice. I have watched as my eldest daughter has struggled with her own anxieties knowing that it was more than likely my own fault. I got myself worked up about going out for an evening meal to celebrate Martin’s daughter’s birthday, not wanting to return back to that town, not knowing who I might see. I have slept on the sofa and woken from a disturbing nightmare. I have felt lonely. I have caused an argument with the man I love, because I convinced myself of things that weren’t true. I have woken every morning not wanting to face the day, just wanting to sleep, yet I’ve struggled to fall asleep most nights.

It has been horrible, but you know what? I still choose to live, I will always choose to live. This crazy, sometimes horrible world that is mine, I’m living in it. I want to live in it. And next week, next week might be just as horrible, but it might be completely different. It might be brilliant. It might be a week where I don’t shy away from coffee invites, a week of engaging in conversations on the playground, a week where I don’t try and fight back tears, a week of baking cakes and preparing meals for my little family. Because those weeks do exist and I live for those weeks. Who knows what next week will bring? All I know is that I’ll live next week and face the weeks after it with the same desire. To live.

During the horrible times,the dark times and the lonely times I know there is better times around the corner, I know there is light at the end of the tunnel, I don’t think I ever really let go of hope.

I know and I always know, that I have a lot to be grateful for. I have a good life, I am surrounded by people who care even if I feel lonely, I am never really alone. I have so much to live for, so much to enjoy living for. 

I might say, so often, that ‘I can’t do this’ or ‘I don’t want to do this anymore’ and I don’t, I really don’t, but I always know that I will. 

The grief of Martin’s suicide gave me an unshakeable will to live. There’s no disputing that.


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