Grieving. Again.

It hurts to breathe sometimes. I am scared. My whole insides ache with sadness. I’m aching and desperately, desperately sad. People are so kind to me. My phone hasn’t stopped beeping, messages from unlikely people. So many people, caring, supporting and trying to shower me with love. But it’s not stopping the aching. The devastation I feel, it can only be stopped with time. And I don’t want that. I don’t want the long lonely painful journey ahead. I’m too tired for this. I’ve done it before, that doesn’t make it an easier journey, it just makes makes me want to stand still and scream. I do not want to have to do this. Not again. I don’t even understand why I am here. How the hell did I get here? How the hell did I ever let myself get here, again? 

I might not be grieving another death but I am grieving a life. A life I thought I had, a life I thought I was living. I’m grieving happiness and togetherness. I’m grieving the future I thought, I believed, that I would have. I am grieving a happy family, a stable family for my children. I am grieving a house full of smiles and laughter. I am grieving  feeling safe. I am grieving feeling part of something, something special. I am grieving a time when I didn’t feel inadequate, when I didn’t feel small and not good enough. I am grieving a love. It may not have been a true love that I was given in return, but I sure as hell gave a true love. A blind, foolish, life changing, incredible love. That is what I gave and that is what I grieve.

It hurts to breathe sometimes and I am scared. I don’t want to be on this journey, I want to stand still and scream.


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