It’s ok

Something changed yesterday. Something clicked, finally. I don’t know why. Perhaps it was my aeroplane. Perhaps it was just the passing of time.

Two nights ago my children went out for tea. I was alone. With my thoughts. And I am ashamed to say, they were dark thoughts. I lay as the night came, I was literally surrounded by darkness. I didn’t move, for a long long time. I chose life, with all of the hurt and pain, I chose it, whilst lying still in a dark room, in an empty bed struggling to breathe.

When I woke the next day with a desperate sadness I re read my ‘without Jon’ post and I felt devastated. Alone. Frightened. But something changed. 

I am rich with light, rich with love. Rich with friends and family. And my children, who could ever be without light with three beautiful children to shine on them? I am not in darkness. It was temporary.

With the sudden change, came an acceptance and forgiveness. I forgive him. Just in the same way as I had accepted Martin and forgave him for the affair. It is the same. It feels the same, if not a little bit more sad. I am heart broken still, but I think I always will be. But I can accept that some things weren’t meant to be, even if you desperately wanted them to be. I can accept that we are no longer together, it wasn’t meant to be for us.

I am trying to be kind, to myself, to my children and to Jon. There is very little to be gained from anger, there is an enormous amount to be gained from being kind.

I have seen him today for the first time in a week. He looked different. My heart ached and I had to turn away from him and close my eyes for a second, I had to remind myself to breathe and to be strong. I would be lying if I said I didn’t stall him leaving, if I said I wanted him to leave. I didn’t want to have to see him go. Again. I held in tears listening to the door close behind him. But it was ok, we were ok. Our children need us to be ok and they are all that matters now, because they are my light, they are my light that I need to encourage to shine so brightly that it’s blinding. And my god are they capable of doing just that.

Everything is ok and it will continue to be ok, something changed and it made it ok. There will be plenty of sad times ahead, there will be a lot of loneliness and my heart will never beat the same rhythm as it once did. But it will be ok, it will find a new rhythm and it will be kind, I will love those close to me, and I will keep them close. I will accept that life doesn’t turn out how you plan or even how you expect it to or want it to. Life can be ok regardless. It will all be ok.


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