A Surreal Day

I already need to write again this evening. Today has been surreal and it has been impossibly hard. A tough old day to get through.

My youngest daughter had her 2 year review with the Health Visitor this afternoon, I asked Jon if he would like to be there, he did. We met him on his lunch break and saw the Health Visitor together, with our little girl. It was surreal, weird, difficult and awkward. We must have had the appearance of an ordinary couple, yet I was screaming inside, breaking inside, dying inside. The small talk got the better of me, I couldn't stand it. So unlike us, it wasn't right. None of it seemed right. He told me about the potential houses he'd found to live in and I wanted the ground to swallow me whole. My heart kept breaking and I tried so hard not to show it. 

I needed to do some shopping before I headed back home, he came with us. It was horrible. Walking around the shop, Jon pushing our little girl in the pushchair, we looked like a normal ordinary family, yet I was still screaming, still breaking and still dying inside. I tried to put distance between us, it was surreal and it was horrible. I walked home up the steep bank I can never manage to walk without stopping. I didn't stop, I wanted to get home, quickly. I wanted to get back to my home, my safe place, just me and my little girl. I wanted to be listening to sad music again and drinking hot cups of tea. So I walked without stopping, my lungs ached as I gulped in air quickly, it felt good. It felt really good to fill those lungs, to feel the pull of the muscles in my legs, it felt good because it felt real.

Jon came round after work. He came to bath his daughter and put her to bed. I spent the whole afternoon watching the clock, waiting for him. I felt sick. I cooked him some tea, I ate tea opposite to him at the table, it was surreal and awkward. It was horrible.

When he was upstairs I didn't know what to do with myself. So I cleaned. I turned the music up as loud as I could, I tried to drown out the sounds of giggles, the sounds of daddy. I felt so sad mopping the floor, I sang instead of crying. I opened up my laptop and I wrote the previous blog post on here. Then the time came to say goodbye. Again. It was surreal, it was horrible, it was heart breaking. I didn't want him to go, I didn't want this house to go back to being empty of him. I cried as he closed the door. I cried listening to the sound of his engine outside, I cried big painful sobs. 

This is all so surreal. Today was impossibly hard, today was a surreal day.


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