Magic wand

I don’t know what we can do now. And I hate that. we’ve talked, we’ve talked a lot. I have listened. I can forgive him, for this awful huge mess, but I don’t know if I can forget it. And I don’t know what we can do now.

I want to be a better person, someone who will do both, forgive and forget. I want to be that person, but I’m not sure that I can. I’m not sure that I know how to be.

He came home, he came back. In a sense. We moved about the house awkwardly. We talked, but it was quietly, it was guarded. The children were incredibly happy. But I was not. I am not happy. I don’t know if I can do happy anymore. 

I could not stand to be alone a minute longer. I could not watch him leave the house again. I couldn’t take the ache that I felt in my heart, the aching I felt for him. I thought if he was here again, if we talked, it could be different. That the pain would go away. He said we have time, it takes time, we’ll take time. We’ll go slowly. But I’m still sad. And I don’t think time will fix things. I know that I cannot stand the waiting, even if time can fix it all. There is too much hurt. There is no magic wand to wave. I wish that there was. I still wanted to cry, I still felt alone even with him back home. I still keep reliving the hurt. I wanted him to hold me but I didn’t want him to touch me. Those conflicting thoughts and feelings, they were still there. And it was too much.

I want to forgive and forget, I am trying to forgive and forget. I couldn’t not try and give things another chance. That love that we had, that beautiful perfect love, it was worth another chance. But my heart still aches and I still feel sad. Maybe some things aren’t meant to be fixed? Maybe our beautiful love is beyond rescuing? Maybe that love has already started to die? I can’t imagine ever feeling love like that again and when Jon was here, at home, it was a constant reminder of what we had and what we have lost. He couldn’t stay. We had to face up to the fact that it is over, as heartbreaking as that is for both of us.

I am not angry, I am not anything but sad. I don’t know what we can do now. There is no magic wand.


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