It is just like being on a rollercoaster, that is how I’d describe my life, in general, but especially now. The ups and the downs and the twists, they seem never ending and they are so tiring. I can’t keep up with this fast, ever changing, unpredictable rollercoaster. My knuckles are white from how tightly I have been holding on. To my sanity, to my emotions, to my life.

I don’t know where this rollercoaster ride is heading and I don’t like that. It has been making me feel uneasy and uncomfortable. I’ve not been in control of this ride, I have only been able to sit back and hold on.

It has been a difficult few days. An unpredictable and changeable few days. But it’s ended calmly, I’m in a calmer place right now, as I write. I’m still clueless, still lonely, still sad and still banging around the same questions and thoughts in this crazy head of mine. But it’s calmer than it has been, it’s quieter in my head for once this evening. There’s far less desperation and tension. More of a calm feeling, I am feeling a little more at ease with my unknown journey. My heart still aches, but it’s doing its thing, it’s beating, it’s finding its rhythm. I think for the first time in almost a month, I am starting to trust myself a little more. There’s a willingness to trust myself. There’s a want to be brave again. There’s a want to believe that fate will play its part. Whatever part that may be. I’ve just got to trust that time will heal and fate will ensure the best outcome.

I’ll never be able to control the rollercoaster, I will never be in the drivers seat. But fate will. For the first time in a long time, I feel ok with that. I’m going to learn to trust myself and at the same time I am going to put my trust in fate. I shall ride the rollercoaster bravely and with my eyes open wide. I shall anticipate the twists, the turns, the ups and the downs and I will ride them.


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