Strong girl with nightmares

I say that I’m tired, I say it all of the time. But right now, right now I am more tired than I can ever remember being before. I cannot sleep properly. I can’t get to sleep for hours and when I do, I wake constantly from bad dreams or nightmares. Every single night. I am so so tired. I just want to sleep. I want to sleep peacefully, all night long.

I woke this morning exhausted and feeling disturbed after the bad dreams of last night. I could feel it in the pit of my stomach, in the slight lump in my throat and I could see the dreams in my head. I felt defeated. I could not face another night restless, sleepless with disturbing thoughts and images. Enough was enough. I made a doctors appointment. When the receptionist asked for a brief outline of what was wrong I didn’t know what to say. I said ‘it’s about my mental health and constant nightmares.’ I felt embarrassed saying that, ashamed and really embarrassed. I feel like I am going crazy, I hate to think about my ‘mental health’ I hate that there are issues with my mental health. And nightmares? I can’t tell you how pathetic I feel just saying that I have them. How childlike and pathetic I sound to myself. I’m embarrassed about my mental health and I am massively embarrassed about being a 35 year old suffering from nightmares. The receptionist was nice, kind and there was a slight sympathetic tone to her voice, I was grateful.

I felt sick walking into the doctors room, I had never seen him before, an unfamiliar face. But he looked kind. He was kind. I couldn’t get my words out. They wouldn’t form properly, I didn’t know where to start. I just sat and cried. Feeling embarrassed and ashamed for the second time that day. I tried to speak but I kept stopping because I was sobbing. He was so kind. I left his room 25 minutes later, feeling pretty lost. I refused antidepressants, I saw them as proof of failing. He reluctantly prescribed sedatives, for short term use, to try and aid some much needed sleep. But didn’t want me to take them when I’m alone at night with the children. So I cannot take them. I didn’t even bother getting the prescription. I just walked out feeling sad and even more defeated than I had done this morning.

After a little time to digest the fact that there is no instant cure, having talked to those close to me, I have decided to go back to basics. My evenings need to be spent relaxing, I can do that if I arm myself with a sketch pad and pencils or paints, I can do that with a long soak in the bath, I can do that by curling up with a good book and I can do that with a warm milky drink and a herbal remedy. I can do this, I can fight those demons. I can do so without shame and embarrassment. I received an unexpected gift through the post today, it is a t-shirt that says ‘STRONG GIRLS CLUB’ on it and yes, I am in that club and I will earn my right to stay in it too.

Here’s to relaxing evenings ahead, sleeping peacefully and strong girls.


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